Feel Free to Unfriend Me

Exactly two years ago today!

I am ecstatic about the U.S. Supreme Court's decision making marriage equality the law of the land.

If you disagree, if you don't think I should have the right to have my marriage recognized nationwide, please if we are friends on Facebook or in life, feel free to unfriend me.

But before you do, I ask you to consider how you would feel if your spouse was hospitalized and weren't allowed in the room? I don't have to imagine. I have experienced it.

How would you feel if your spouse died, and you weren't allowed to bury him or her because you were a legal stranger and the law required immediate family to claim the body, even if that person was someone your spouse hated? What if you weren't allowed at the funeral? I have friends who experienced this after 20 or more years together.

How would you feel if you lost your home because your spouse died and you had to pay inheritance tax on "their half" of your home. It has happened to many gay people.

Civil marriage brings some 1,300 rights and responsibilities. Wills don't cover it. And some states could ignore even wills. And medical powers of attorney. It happened, a lot.

And hopefully it won't any more.

So maybe you still have religious beliefs that oppose marriage equality. Fine. But you don't get the right to impose those beliefs on others. Because you know what? My church believes in marriage equality. We were married in the church.

Think marriage is a Judeo-Christian ideal? Then why can atheists marry?

Think it is for procreation? Then why can the elderly and the infertile marry?

They can, because just as was determined in Loving v Virginia in 1967, marriage is about love, and it is a civil right.

And before you worry that this means your church will be required to marry gay people, it won't. A Catholic priest is not forced to marry non-Catholics. A rabbi is not forced to marry Christians. In fact, when we got married in our church, our pastor had just refused to marry a couple because they did not want to go through the required premarital counseling. Churches will still get to decide what is right for them, Just not for everyone else.

So please celebrate with me, because for the first time, I feel like a full citizen. I feel like the country that I serve, that I have kept faith with, has finally kept faith with me.

And I want to close with this, Justice Kennedy's eloquent final paragraph in the 5-4 ruling:

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be con- demned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization's oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.

The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.

It is so ordered.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

First, a belated Happy Pride, y'all.

It may be the curse of being in language training (ONE of the curses of being in language training?), that I just don't find myself writing here much. There isn't a whole lot to say about studying language: it is hard, testing sucks, hitting walls hurts. Rinse, repeat.

And so I have found myself not writing, even when there were things I could post...as I type I have at least three webpages up on events I should have covered.

So maybe I am bored. Or lazy. Or bored and lazy.

And I think about just not blogging anymore. Not taking the page offline, but just leaving it. So people can use the blogroll or any info they find useful in the blog.

This isn't the first time this has crossed my mind. Nine years is a long time for a blog.

But inevitably, as has happened every. single. time. I have considered quitting, I meet someone for the first time who tells me how helpful the blog was when they joined the service.

And I feel guilty (because I am a former Catholic, and are any Catholics really completely "former"?), and I stay.

And so it happened again this weekend, at Pride.

And so I am back. I am I will try to write more. And I will hope that I have something interesting and useful to say, especially once I get to Kosovo next month.

Or sooner, depending on SCOTUS.

The Supreme Court Decision to Take On Marriage Equality

You probably saw that the Supreme Court has decided to take up again the issue of marriage equality. After some 59 rulings against bans on marriage equality, the ruling of I think the 6th circuit upholding the bans means that it is time for the court to weigh in. They expect to hear the case in April and rule by June (I feel a "cold" coming on that will keep me from going to language training that day...it is possible there will even be a lavender flu that day that takes out all the LGBT language students!)

I admit to being both thrilled and terrified.

There is a nice piece in the Washington Post today talking about the decision to take the case and what the specific questions (whether the 14th amendment requires states to allow same-sex marriage and whether it requires out of state marriages to be recognized) being asked mean for marriage equality. The article, referring to the 1967 Loving v Virginia case, which ruled against bans against interracial marriage, says in part:

"The Supreme Court ruled in that 1967 case that Virginia’s ban on marriages between people of different races violated the equal protection guarantee of the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. “The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men,” the majority argued. “To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law.” Replace “racial classifications” with “sexual orientation” and the argument rationale still holds.

By the time the Loving case was decided, Virginia was one of 16 states that still outlawed interracial marriage. As for public opinion, well, the American people were overwhelmingly against such unions. A Gallup poll in 1968, a year after the Supreme Court ruling, showed 73 percent disapproval. When the justices hear arguments in late April, the conditions will be more favorable for same-sex marriage."

At the time of the Loving ruling, interracial marriage was legal in 34 states. Today, we have marriage equality in 36 states. More than 50% of the population believes marriage between two people of the same sex should be legal.

So for those who think we should wait for the right time, the time is more right now than it was for interracial marriage in 1967.

But I hope that Supreme Court will heed the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who said "The time is always right to do what is right."

Agree to Disagree with GLIFAA

You may have seen the article today in the Washington Blade regarding the Department's considering phasing out the Same-Sex Domestic Partner Benefits program in response to the Supreme Court's Windsor ruling overturning part of the so-call Defense of Marriage Act. If not, you can read it here. You can read the first of what I fear will be many negative responses to the article here.

I know there may be two of you at this point who don't know who I am, but I will tell you that I was President of GLIFAA (formerly Gays and Lesbians in Foreign Affairs Agencies and now LGBT+ in Foreign Affairs Agencies) when Secretary Clinton took office. On her first day in office, I, along with my vice president, hand carried the petition signed by our colleagues asking that same-sex partners be given as many of the rights as their married opposite-sex colleagues as the law allowed. My board and I drafted the document outlining the changes she could make with the stroke of a pen to improve the lives of her LGBT employees and their families. Those changes included the creation of the SSDP program that was enacted while I was in office and is what they are considering phasing out now.

And I think they should phase it out.

I am no longer on the GLIFAA board, but I am still friends, in some cases close friends, with those who are currently serving this important organization. And I have to respectfully agree to disagree with them on this issue. In fact, as GLIFAA president, I assured the Under Secretary for Management that when we had equality under U.S. law, that GLIFAA's members would want no more than to be treated the same as their opposite-sex colleagues. And that this would mean the end of the SSPD program.

I think the current board should keep that promise.

Yes, there are challenges for officers who do not wish to marry. They are the same challenges faced by our straight colleagues. There have always been those who did not wish to marry for whatever reason, and the price they paid for not making that legal commitment was that the government did not see reason to pay the many costs associated with spouses, such as plane tickets, medical evacuations, etc. Every single A-100 orientation class has had at least one officer who realized that they weren't going to get those benefits without marrying their opposite-sex partner and so did so usually before their training ended. At the time when we got the benefits of the SSDP program, it was because those benefits were not available to us even if we were legally married in one of the few states that allowed it at the time. Now they are. It was never the intention of the Department to create a "marriage light" program.

And yes, there are Fortune 500 companies that offer such benefits. But we don't work for them. We work for a budget strapped government recently placed in the hands of a fiscally conservative majority. New benefits are simply not going to happen.

And yes, I am certain there are people who are afraid for their relationship status to be know to their families. I am certain that fear is real and justified. But the danger is not in the marriage license but in the relationship itself. Aren't being allowed to live with a Foreign Service Officer, getting airfare paid by the USG,  including for R&R, and getting a diplomatic passport with an endorsement explicitly state the relationship to the diplomat even bigger red flags than a license that some foreign diplomat could decide to request a copy of?

And in fact, there are straight colleagues facing similar dangers. There are in the Department Muslims and Christians dating each other and living in real fear that their families will discover their relationship and disown them or worse. There are certainly families who still do not believe in interracial marriages. And people find a way to make those relationships work or they don't. But it is still the relationship, not the license, that causes the danger. And as a friend pointed out to me today, what might Dr. Martin Luther King Jr have done had he been faced with couples looking to marry interracially who were threatened by their families or even the KKK? Do you think he'd have advised them to pursue a separate but equal status in order to get some protections? Certainly the Lovings lives might have been easier had they just moved or opted to live together without marriage. But because of them, bans on interracial marriage were found unconstitutional. And given that the arguments in that case were very similar to those in Windsor, I credit them in no small part for helping us achieve marriage equality.

Gays and lesbians can now get married legally in 36 states. More than 70% of the country now lives in a marriage equality state. And yes, if you meet the man or woman of your dreams overseas, you may not be able to be married there. But that is exactly the type of case a fiancee visa can take care of, with the added bonus that your new husband or wife can become a US citizen.

I have spoken to many, many GLIFAA members on this issue, and with the exception of the members of the board, all but one has agreed it is time to phase out SSDP. (I was told one other person who is a friend and not on the board also wants to keep the policy, but that person has not said so to me). I do think there is a place for a limited-period DP program for LGBT and straight couples at post to allow them time to return to the U.S. and marry. But that isn't what is being argued here.

And frankly, I am concerned that GLIFAA's time, energy and political capital are being used on a losing issue when there are still real, pressing issues facing our members that need to be dealt with. Like continuing to improve things for our transgender colleagues. Like making sure that spouses can serve together at posts, and if the country they are assigned to refuses to accept the spouse as they do all other spouses, making certain that is dealt with reciprocally. Like finding a way for LGBT employees to get credit with promotion panels and for onward assignments for the "unaccompanied tours" they serve where they are forced to be apart from their spouses while straight couples are not because of the laws in that country. These are issues that affect where members of the Foreign Service can serve, which then affects their ability to advance in their careers.

And respectfully, I think it is where GLIFAA should focus its attention.

Wishing You The Best!

Guilt from the realization that I haven't blogged since November and not wanting to let a New Year role in without one last post prompted me to pry myself from the comfort of my recliner to come upstairs and post.

2014 has been an eventful year, as are they all of late, and I continue to feel extraordinarily lucky for all that I have and all I have been able to experience.

This year brought us to the conclusion of our three years in our beloved Estonia, And after finally getting to move into the house we bought more than a year ago and a wonderful home leave that took us as far north as Maine and as far south as Atlanta, it took us right back to Estonia to help with President Obama's visit to Tallinn. I got to thank him, personally, for supporting Marriage Equality.

Courtesy of Freedom to Marry

And this is a year that will go in the record books for Marriage Equality, The Supreme Court's refusal to hear cases where a number of Appellate Courts had ruled in favor of marriage equality meant that the number of states where you can marry the person you love blossomed to 35. Including South Carolina. SOUTH CAROLINA, y'all!

We can retire someplace warm!

I don't know what 2015 will bring. We all know I am famously bad at keeping New Year's Resolutions regardless of what I call them, so I just hope that life continues on the way it has. I hope all goes according to plan, and that we will finish Albanian language training and head off to Kosovo in July. I hope that my wife, our pets and our families continue to be healthy. I hope our work continues to be meaningful and that we get to continue to serve the country.

I also hope for continued improvement in our country. I hope 2015 brings marriage equality to the remaining 15 states. I hope our economy continues to improve and that the improvement lifts those who are suffering. I hope that lift helps heal some of the divides in our country so that people can once again remember that there are smart, dedicated, patriotic people on both sides of the political divide in this country. We all want what is best for the country. We just don't agree on how to get there. If we can remember that, it would be a huge start.

And for you, I hope that your 2015 is better than your 2014 regardless of how 2014 was for you. If you were loved, I wish you more love, and if you weren't, then I wish you love. If you were happy, I wish you more happiness, and if you were sad, I hope your sadness if finally abated.

I hope you and yours are happy, healthy, and secure in 2015.

Happy New Year! Head Uut Aastat! Gëzuar Vitin e Ri!

SC determined to bring up the rear....

A federal judge today found South Carolina's ban on marriage equality unconstitutional.

Photo courtesy of SC Equality

This should come as no surprise, since the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals found the ban unconstitutional last month. And while that ruling concerned a case from Virginia, all the states covered by the Fourth have seen the handwriting on the wall, have stopped wasting taxpayer dollars, and started allowing same-sex couples to marry.

Except, of course, South Carolina.

Because Governor Haley, who vowed that "This administration will continue to uphold the will of the people," wants you to remember her as the governor who continued to fight for the will of the people, much as George Wallace is remembered for photos of him blocking black students from entering Alabama schools after desegregation. Maybe she could block the doors of the courthouse as same-sex couples try to enter for marriage licenses.

Make no mistake, SC's governor is just as much on the wrong side of history as he was, and history will be no kinder to her. Remember too that slavery was once the will of the people.

Likewise, SC Attorney General Wilson has already said he will appeal this decision...to the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals. The same court that has already ruled that the bans are unconstitutional. A ruling that the Supreme Court has already declined to review.

His argument is that the 6th Circuit Court has since ruled that such bans ARE constitutional. But they are the only court to rule that way of more than forty federal court rulings. And SC is not covered by that court. True, that ruling may mean the Supreme Court will have to address the issue again soon, and hopefully this time more fully, and it has even been rumored that the ruling was designed to force the Supreme Court to get involved. But that does not change the fact that the issue has been addressed by the very court he is appealing to, and the Supreme Court already refused to hear an appeal of that ruling.

In case you are wondering why all this matters, consider the words of William Lucas Walker, who is, like me, a South Carolinian in exile. And consider the same-sex families still living there:

"I love South Carolina. Loved growing up there. Love going back. Despite the fact that we're two guys with kids, in 15 years we've never had a bad experience. Our family is welcomed at Sunday services by the same congregation that's known me since I was child. Our kids have been cared for in the same nursery where I used to play. On my October trips, when Kelly and the kids aren't with me, the minister always asks to see pictures. That's the South Carolina I love.

But it doesn't mean we're safe. Not as a family. Not in case of emergency. Every time we go back together we can't avoid the unspoken stress of wondering what might happen to us if there were some sort of accident or medical crisis. Would Kelly be recognized as my spouse? Would I be recognized as his? Would we be seen as our children's parents? Allowed to make medical decisions for each other or for them?

 It's not a hypothetical fear."

 It is done, South Carolina. Get on the right side of history. Be the state I love.

Your drive to get to be the very last state with institutionalized bigotry is embarrassing. And your citizens deserve better than you wasting their money on that.

A Whole New World

SC Statehouse
Photo by
SC Equality

My wife and I were driving down the GW Parkway to FSI last Monday when we first heard the news: the Supreme Court had declined to hear the cases on marriage equality.

My initial response was confusion and disappointment. We had really hoped the court would finally weigh in and give some clarity to the issue. How could they not weigh in when five separate appellate courts had ruled that the ban on marriage equality was unconstitutional? And what would this mean in those cases? More lives on hold?

But clarity was soon in coming and change swept through like wildfire.

Their non-decision, while not deciding on the issue for the whole country, is having close to the same effect and was apparently the right one: there was no need to weigh in on an issue upon which all of the lower courts had agreed. So in Virginia, Utah, Oklahoma, Indiana and Wisconsin, the lower court ruling would stand and marriage equality would be the law of the land.

The non-decision would likely expand marriage equality to the other states covered by those federal appeals courts: meaning marriage equality was also coming to Colorado, Wyoming, Kansas, West Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina.

South Carolina, y'all!

Virginia immediately accepted the ruling, and as of 1 p.m. on the 6th, couples began to get married and suddenly we were married both at home and at work!).

A few other states fought and then surrendered, including North Carolina, where GOP leaders went back to the court with the argument that the federal court didn't have jurisdiction (really guys? 'cause I think we fought a war over that one...).

Others are still fighting it, including South Carolina (of course), although the probate judges in Richland, Charleston, and Colleton counties have begun accepting applications. The SC Supreme Court ordered them to stop, but the judge in Richland County refused. She is the same probate judge who handled my grandmother's estate...I thought she and her staff were awesome then. Now she is my hero.

In the week since SCOTUS' non-decision, even more states have joined the right side of history, including Alaska (one Facebook meme noted that a certain politician from that state could now see marriage equality from her back yard!).

In fact, on Wednesday, Estonia passed a gender-neutral civil partnership law that will grants LGBT people there many of the rights and responsibilities of marriage. They are the first country formerly occupied by the Soviet Union to do so! Told you I loved that place!

I don't even know for sure what the count of states is now with marriage equality because so many places are in flux. It is somewhere between 30-35, up from 19 before the non-decision. More than half of the country lives in a marriage equality state. Here is the latest map from wikipedia (it is edited by Joe Jervis of the LGBT blog Joe.My.God., and he noted that he had to change it some eight times in a week, including twice in one day).

Here is the current map (as of this morning):

Here is what that means:

Dark blue: Same-sex marriage legal
Dark silver: Same-sex marriage performed elsewhere recognized
Light blue: Same-sex marriage legalization pending, but not yet in effect
Light Silver: No prohibition or recognition of same-sex marriage in territory law
Gold: Judicial ruling(s) overturning the same-sex marriage ban stayed indefinitely pending appeal
Yellow: Judicial ruling(s) overturning the ban on recognizing same-sex marriage performed elsewhere stayed indefinitely pending appeal
Red: Same-sex marriage ban runs contrary to federal appellate court precedent (includes SC, of course)
Garnet: Same-sex marriage banned

This is a historic moment. Love is winning.

And our potential retirement locations are increasing! Thanks to Asheville for being so welcoming...you are currently that the top of the list!

Asheville, NC City Hall.
Photo courtesy of WLOS ABC 13

Tax Day

Today is tax day.

For the first time, we were allowed to file as a married couple.

Partly, anyway.

We did of course have to pay the "marriage penalty." I am okay with that for equality, and for the ability to protect my family (even when she is singing "What Does The Fox Say?", which she is as I type this).

But the extra that I am not okay with paying?

Having to get an accountant to do our taxes because they are now too complicated for me to risk doing.

And they are too complicated because we file as married federally and in Maryland, where we are now residents (yay! Full citizenship!).

But in Virginia and South Carolina, where we own property, we must file as single, as strangers. As though I picked a random person to buy property with.

And in order to file as single, not only do we file two returns instead of one, but we also must do FAKE single federal forms in order to figure out what we owe as single people. Which, of course, we are not.

South Carolina and North Carolina have been running this awareness campaign called #Married364. As in, we are married every day of the year except tax day.

And as one of my best friends, who is also legally married, on that day, we are forced to lie.

Feds to expand legal benefits, services for same-sex marriages

Some more good news out of DC. The Department of Justice has decided to expand recognition of same-sex marriages in the areas of federal legal matters, even if the couple does not reside in a marriage equality state.

This means that a person can visit his or her same-sex spouse in prison and the couple can file jointly for federal bankruptcy. It also means that just like with heterosexual couples, a same-sex spouse can not be compelled to testify against his or her spouse. There is already one case I know of where a woman was threatened with jail for not testifying against her wife.

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said, "Just like during the civil rights movement of the 1960s, the stakes involved in this generation's struggle for LGBT equality could not be higher...As attorney general, I will not let this Department be simply a bystander during this important moment in history."

You can read more here and here.

Ch-ch-changes!

Head Uut Aastat Eestist! Happy 2014!

I know many friends who are happy to kick 2013 out the door. For them, I am glad the year is done and they wake today with all the possibilities of a new year and a new (better) start.

For me, 2013 was pretty good. I am the first to admit how blessed I am. I am thankful every day for a job that I love (most days) and that is secure and reasonably well paid (except when Congress shuts down the government). I have a wonderful wife who loves me and beautiful fur and feathered children.

And 2013 brought us the thing I barely dared to hope for: federal recognition of our marriage (and a doubling of the states with marriage equality).

Yes, I think when it is all added up, 2013 was a good year.

And I am an optimist. I believe 2014 will be a good year too.

For us, because we are Foreign Service Officers, it will bring the changes that are routine and yet never routine in our profession. The view from next January 1 will be different from this year's.

Different because with the arrival of January comes the inevitable countdown. Only 6 months left in Estonia. Six months until we pack up all our things once again and say goodbye to the friends we have made here...friends I hope to keep forever.

By the time we celebrate the arrival of 2015, we will have completed our tours here. We will have headed back to the U.S., had home leave (hopefully in the mountains of Tennessee), and traded in our suits for blue jeans and polos and started language training. We will have transitioned from diplomats to bureaucrats, as we all do when we go back to DC, and will be half way through preparation to transition back to diplomats again in Kosovo.

We will have hopefully settled into our new home, the one we have at this point not set foot in, and will hopefully have received all of our belongings from Estonia and storage. Our dog will hopefully have learned how awesome it is to have a yard again (after 10 years without) and our cats will have experienced the joys of a screened porch (because they are not allowed outside, ever. Did you know the life expectancy for a completely indoor cat is nearly triple that of an indoor/outdoor cat?). We will have been able to switch to running (for my wife) and biking (for me...stupid knees) outdoors on a local trail rather than indoors as we are forced by snow to do for much of the year here.

I don't make New year's resolutions anymore (I am profoundly bad at it and so I made a resolution one year to make no more resolutions...that has been one of the only ones I have managed to keep!) I don't even really set goals for the year, because I have proven sort of bad at that too.

But I do have hopes for the year, most of which I can have little impact on other to the degree that praying helps. I hope my family is safe, happy and healthy in the New Year. I hope to see them more when we are stateside. I hope to do well in language, or to at least have fun at it.

But my big hope for 2014 is more of 2013 in the march to equality. I hope more and more states choose to join the right side of history, especially some in my beloved south (I am looking at you South Carolina...I said I was an optimist, right?).

Here's wishing you the most amazing 2014 ever. Head Uut Aastat!

Quite a Year

A wedding happened yesterday.

Such a wonderful, ordinary thing.

Except that it was two men getting married. Legally. In Utah.

Yesterday I shared this picture on Facebook, courtesy of Freedom to Marry.

It really illustrates what an extraordinary year this has been for marriage equality.

In one year, eight states (EIGHT!) have been added to the number of states with marriage equality. LGBT people can now legally marry in seventeen states. And more importantly, the Supreme Court on June 26 overturned a key portion of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act, meaning marriages in those states are legal in the eyes of the federal government. Meaning my marriage was legal federally and my friends who had married non-Americans could apply for their spouses to become American. And some of them are already in the process of doing so. Deportations of legal spouses stopped. And my friends serving this country could plan to come home when they retire, home to the country they love with the spouse they love.

And now, a majority of Americans support the right of gays and lesbians to marry.

Quite a year indeed.

And then I woke this morning to discover that the picture I shared last night was wrong.

Because last night, Utah's constitutional ban on same-sex marriages was found by the court to violate the U.S. Constitution. 

(Which is huge, because it could ultimately result in the overturning of all of the constitutional bans on same-sex marriage. According the to article:

"[Judge] Shelby writes the issue of same-sex marriage is “politically charged in the current climate” and more so because the current law is in place as a result of referendum. However, Shelby rules that even a vote of the people can’t defy the U.S. Constitution.

“It is only under exceptional circumstances that a court interferes with such action,” Shelby writes. “But the legal issues presented in this lawsuit do not depend on whether Utah’s laws were the result of its legislature or a referendum, or whether the laws passed by the widest or smallest of margins. The question presented here depends instead on the Constitution itself, and on the interpretation of that document contained in binding precedent from the Supreme Court and the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals.”

The judge concludes by drawing on the 1966 case of Loving v. Virginia, which struck down state bans on interracial marriage throughout the country, saying the defense in favor of these bans 50 years ago is the same the state provided for Utah’s ban on same-sex marriage.

“For the reasons discussed above, the court finds these arguments as unpersuasive as the Supreme Court found them fifty years ago,” Shelby writes. “Anti-miscegenation laws in Virginia and elsewhere were designed to, and did, deprive a targeted minority of the full measure of human dignity and liberty by denying them the freedom to marry the partner of their choice. Utah’s Amendment 3 achieves the same result.”")

And that court ruled there would be no stay, and LGBT people could marry immediately.

And one hour later, two men were married in Utah.

A simple, ordinary, beautiful, wonderful thing. In Utah.

The 18th state!

Once again, love wins.

So Much DOMA News!

It is like every time I look at Facebook, I see something else related to the demise of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act.

Much of it is good news. Just the other day, the IRS announced that it would recognize the place of celebration rather than the place of residence for filing income taxes. That means that even if my wife and I were still residents of Virginia, we could file our federal taxes as married.

But of course, we'd still have to file our state taxes separately. I predict some headaches where that is concerned.

Health and Human Services announced that all beneficiaries in private Medicare plans have access to equal coverage when it comes to care in a nursing home where their spouse lives. New Mexico counties willing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples are popping up like popcorn. Some in Pennsylvania too. The Secretary for Veterans Affairs announced that same-sex spouses would NOT be eligible for benefits, and a federal judge promptly issued an injunction. Even my beloved home state of South Carolina is getting sued to recognize a couple's legal marriage!

But it is not all good news.

The Texas National Guard is still refusing to extend benefits to married same-sex couples despite a Pentagon directive to do so.

And there are still challenges for some of us serving abroad. An article in the Washington Post talks about some of those challenges, such as dealing with antiquated Status of Forces agreements that don't recognize marriage equality. One married couple in Japan is unable to live together because they can't get a visa for the non-employee husband. And work-arounds have proven too cumbersome.

Even for those of us in the State Department, which has been the most forward-leaning of the federal agencies thanks in no small part to the efforts of former Secretary of State Clinton, sometimes have problems. Only about a quarter of the posts where we serve will give diplomatic visas to same-sex spouses of Foreign Service personnel. In the rest, we have to come up with work arounds of be separated for as long as three years. And how hard to push a country to recognize a relationship and give diplomatic status to a spouse can depend on everything from unrelated political issues to the willingness of the leadership at post to be helpful.

My wife and I have been lucky. We have had excellent Ambassadors who recognized our marriage. And even if we hadn't, because we are both officers, we come with our own diplomatic immunity. So we don't have to rely on a country's willingness to recognize our marriage in order to be together (we just have to be able to get tandem assignments...but that is a whole other issue that doesn't relate to our being a same-sex couple as much as to our being married employees...we share that headache with our straight tandem-couple colleagues!).

Did I mention it is bidding season....

Anyway, it seems like each day brings a new thing to be thankful for even if each week shows us there are still battles to be fought.

And they will be fought. And won.

Equal

So long, Virginia.

Yesterday, a day before our eleven year wedding anniversary (and two and a half months before our 14 year anniversary together and four year anniversary of our legal marriage), we closed on a house in Maryland.

Isn't equality cute?

Don't get me wrong Virginia. I really like you. We both do. We especially love Northern Virginia...so close to work. So close to FSI. So many cool restaurants and dog parks and jogging trails. Your power company that isn't Pepco.

But it has felt like a one-way street.

Oh you were content enough to take our taxes. But you didn't like the money enough to make us full citizens. You didn't like us enough to let us file our taxes jointly. Or inherit from each other like spouses instead of like strangers. Or make burial arrangements for each other.

So we decided that we would become residents of Maryland instead.

Because it just seems like they want us more. Heck, they even offered to recognize our marriage as legal before same-sex couples could get married there.

I know things are changing. I hope that soon, you too will be on the right side of history. I just don't want to keep giving you money for discriminating against my family. We work hard and we serve our country, for pete's sake! We just want to be treated like everyone else.

And I know there are those who say that nothing will change if people leave instead of fighting. And I will keep fighting, just like I have since I first came out in 1986. That's right, I have been out and fighting for nearly 30 years. It is just that now, I can do it from a place of safety for my family. And I think I have earned that. And I support the fight of those who stay and fight, whether because they can't move or don't want to. I recognize that I am fortunate to have the choice.

So, see ya later Virginia. We are taking our tax dollars, our housing dollars, our retail dollars, elsewhere.

To Maryland, where we are equal.

And This Is Why We Are Moving To Maryland...

After the Supreme Court overturned the so-called Defense of Marriage Act, certain benefits were extended to married same-sex couples regardless of their state of residence. President Obama said at the time that there were two possible standards for determining marital status, place of residence and place of ceremony. he hoped that the latter definition would be used, extending marital protections to legally married couples regardless of where they currently reside.

And this is in fact the standard many agencies have been using. For example, the State Department recently began issuing visas to married same-sex couples, and DHS stopped deportation proceedings against legal spouses regardless of their state of residence.

But an article in the Washington Blade demonstrates that this is not what is happening for every agency.

For example, the Social Security Administration is putting a hold on applications where the applicants do not live in a state with marriage equality. Likewise, married couples will still have to pay state inheritance taxes should one spouse die if they live in a state without marriage equality. And the family medical leave act may not apply to couples who don't live in marriage equality states.

All of these issues can be dealt with by a simple policy change, and hopefully it will happen soon. But it isn't there yet. This affects us directly. We are currently residents of Virginia, which has a constitutional ban on our marriage. So if I died, my wife couldn't claim my body and make burial decisions for me. She would have to pay inheritance taxes on our home, and she would not be able to claim my social security.

And this is why we are moving to Maryland. With any luck, we will close on our new home in a couple weeks and soon thereafter be able to establish Maryland residency. And Virginia will have lost two taxpayers.

And we are the lucky ones. Because we work for an agency based in D.C., it is easy for us to say fine, we will just move across the border. Others aren't so lucky. Their jobs tie them to place, whether by virtue of being unable to work at the same job in another location or unable to afford to move.

We need to fix this for them. For the country. So we can all be full citizens.

Announcement on Visa Changes for Same-Sex Couples

We will be treated equally. It is all we have ever asked. Thank you, Secretary Kerry (and thank you SCOTUS, and especially, thank you Edie Windsor!)

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE
Office of the Spokesperson
For Immediate Release August 2, 2013

REMARKS

Secretary of State John Kerry
Announcement on Visa Changes for Same-Sex Couples

August 2, 2013
U.S. Embassy London, United Kingdom

[...]

Today is one of those days. I’m very pleased to be able to announce that effective immediately, when same-sex spouses apply for a visa, the Department of State will consider that application in the same manner that it will consider the application of opposite-sex spouses. And here is exactly what this rule means: If you are the spouse of a U.S. citizen, your visa application will be treated equally. If you are the spouse of a non-citizen, your visa application will be treated equally. And if you are in a country that doesn’t recognize your same-sex marriage, then your visa application will still be treated equally at every single one of our 222 visa processing centers around the world.

Now, as long as a marriage has been performed in a jurisdiction that recognizes it so that it is legal, then that marriage is valid under U.S. immigration laws, and every married couple will be treated exactly the same, and that is what we believe is appropriate. Starting next year, that will include same-sex couples from England and Wales, which just this year passed laws permitting same-sex marriage that will take effect in 2014.

...

So those of you working today in the consular section will make history when you issue some of the first visas to same-sex couples, and you will be some of the first faces to welcome them to the United States in an always – a country that obviously is always trying to tweak and improve and do better by the values around which we were founded. You share in the great responsibility of making our country live its values, and you make possible the journey of those who want to visit our country for that reason and many more.

Reuters: U.S. says visas from gay spouses will get equal treatment

An article by Reuters,U.S. says visas from gay spouses will get equal treatment, brings very welcome news for those who have been waiting for official department guidance.

The article said:

"The United States will immediately begin considering visa applications of gay and lesbian spouses in the same manner as heterosexual couples, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said on Friday.

Kerry made the announcement at the U.S. Embassy in London.

"When same-sex couples apply for a visa, the Department of State will consider that application in the same manner that it considers the application of opposite sex spouses," Kerry said shortly after his arrival in London.

"If you are the spouse of a U.S. citizen, your visa application will be treated equally. If you are the spouse of a non-citizen, your visa application will be treated equally. If you are in a country that doesn't recognize your same-sex marriage, then your visa application will still be treated equally at every single one of our 222 visa processing centers around the world," he added."

I checked our Department's official guidance, and yes, in fact: "Beginning immediately, consular officers should review visa applications filed by a same-sex spouse in the same manner as those filed by an opposite-sex spouse..."

Welcome news indeed!

House Hunter Overseas Part II

So we were done. Void the contract and walk away done.

We'd had the home inspection, and there were some issues that needed to be addressed. The seller had already told us he wanted to sell "as is." So our option was to suck up the repairs or void the contract.

We offered him a last chance to negotiate. Because the house is cool, but this is business. It isn't emotional, it is an investment. So if he wasn't going work with us on the price, we had no reason to bother. There are plenty other fish, er houses, in the sea.

And he said no dice.

So we told him we were walking. We voided the contract and cancelled the loan. We were out.

And then tonight, he had his agent call our agent.

Would be interested if he cut the price by $20,000?

So now we are back in.

Of course, there is still the radon and termite tests. Oh and the appraisal.

So it isn't a done deal. But we are a little closer to turning this little sunny spot into a garden.

And a little closer to being residents of a state where we are full citizens. That part I am emotional about.

House Hunting Overseas

You might think that with the US Supreme Court's having found the so-called Defense of Marriage Act to be unconstitutional, everything would be all hunky dory now, right?

Wrong.

You see, my wife and I are Virginia residents. We have been considering moving to Maryland, which has state marriage equality, for a while now. In fact, one of the first things she said to me after we heard the court's ruling was, "Okay, you can buy a house in Maryland now."

It isn't just about not wanting to continue paying taxes to a state that chooses to discriminate against us, though that is certain part of it. But it is also that the states can still do nasty things to us. Like, for example, not allowing us to make burial decisions for our legal spouse.

So we are house hunting in the Silver Springs/Takoma Park area. From half a planet away.

A friend who recently departed from post to spend a year on LWOP (leave without pay) recently did the same thing and bought a place in Colorado. Where she had never even visited. And I thought she was nuts.

And now we are doing it.

I have been searching online using MRIS Homes, looking a pictures, schools, location, etc. Then I am using google street view to "walk" the neighborhood (oh look, is that a crack house next door? I didn't see THAT in the pictures they posted! And seriously, I think some of these houses were on Curb Appeal before being listed!). Then I look at Zillow to get even more stats, including most recent sales prices of the home I am looking at, the estimated values of all the nearby homes and what recent homes there have sold for.

Once I have done all that, sometimes watch for a couple days. Homes prices well are moving in a few days. Homes that are over priced, even just a little, will often sit. And I am a bargain hunter, so I look for places where I can perhaps get it for less than asking, like in places where people have gotten no offers because they priced it poorly. And finally, I ask the realtor to take a look. She has even made walk-through videos for me.

We have already put on offer in on a place. Of course, we first had the realtor go and make a video walk through. And then we had a friend go by and walk through it again (thanks again, A!).

We are much less emotional than when we bought our first home together. We are not Property Virgins. We know how this works. We have already countered their counter offer. We know we may not get this place, and that is okay. We like it but don't love it. Nor do we need to love it. It isn't our retirement home (we will probably build that anyway). We have certain things we are looking for: a certain number of beds and baths, a yard, near the metro. It needs to be rentable when we are overseas. This property meets all of that and is cute too, but the seller is a personal representative on behalf of an estate, and for what seem like more emotional than practical reasons, isn't budging as much as I had hoped.

And even though this isn't personal, it is just an investment, I now know what my friend R felt like waiting for a response. Because it IS a big decision. Knots in your stomach don't begin to describe it. And the time difference doesn't help...sure, go ahead and try to fall asleep when the response will come in at maybe 6 pm their time, which is 1 am here.

So we shall see. We have a year before we will likely be back in the states, and we still don't know whether that will be for a tour or just for language training (blech...bidding....). A lot can happen in that time. We could buy a house. Or not. Virginia could adopt marriage equality (I really wish they would...I seriously love Northern Virginia). Or not.

In the meantime, I will try to focus on other major life decisions. Like bidding.

Blech. Think I will look at more houses.

Did You Think I wasn't paying Attention?

Warning: I am hopping up on my soapbox. No comments from trolls will be permitted, so don't waste your time.

Or maybe you thought I was living under a rock last week.

How else to explain my lack of posts on the topic you know is most dear to me. The topic that has made me, a life-long independent, into a single issue voter.

Same-sex marriage.

Or as I like to call it, marriage. Or marriage equality. Because my marriage license from Massachusetts looks like every other marriage license from Massachusetts.

So you can bet I was keenly aware that the U.S. Supreme Court was hearing two marriage equality cases this past week, one on Prop 8 and one on the so-called Defense of Marriage Act (seriously, is your marriage so fragile that my getting legally married destroyed it?).

The truth is, I am terrified.

I know rationally that they would be hard pressed to make things WORSE than they are. But I want them to be made better. I want to be certain my wife can inherit OUR home without paying inheritance taxes. That I can visit her in the hospital and make medical decisions if needed regardless of what state we are in. I want her to be able to bury me in the plots we have purchased without having to petition anyone to release my remains to her. I want my friends who have fallen in love with non-Americans to be able to petition for their spouse to become a citizen, just like my straight friends can now. I want all of the more than 1,100 rights and responsibilities that come with a federally recognized marriage so I can adequately protect my family.

And I want it now.

And frankly, I am tired of listening to the nay-sayers. "Think of the children." Yes, let's do. Forty five separate studies have found that children in loving two parent homes, regardless of the gender of those parents, do best. Not one has found anything detrimental from being raised by same-sex parents. And yes, some of these studies are recent, but some went on for decades. And let's think about the children in same-sex homes why don't we? Those same studies find that marriage provides a stability that is in the best interests of the children. Some 40,000 kids are being raised in same-sex homes in California alone. Don't those kids matter?

"But marriage is for procreation." Really? Do we do fertility tests before marriage? Are the infertile denied the right to marry?

"But marriage is a Judeo-Christian institution." Yes, and a Buddist, Muslim, American Indian, agnostic, and atheist one. Marriage is far older than any of our religions and we don't limit it to just Christians.

"My church will be forced to perform same-sex marriages." Wrong again. When I got married IN MY CHURCH (which recognizes my marriage...what about my freedom of religion?), there was a heterosexual couple who wanted to be married in the church. Except, they only wanted the trappings of a church wedding. They didn't actually want pre-marital counseling and such. And so my pastor refused to marry them. Because she wasn't required to marry them is they didn't meet the requirements of our faith. Just like synagogues are not required to marry Christians or Muslims and vice versa. So no, marriage equality won't mean you have to violate your precious bigotry.

"The country isn't ready for it." Since when is the country's readiness related to the constitutionality of an issue? When Loving v Virginia was decided, more than 76% of the country was opposed to interracial marriage (for the very same religious reasons that they now use to oppose marriage equality, by the way) and the court DID THE RIGHT THING ANYWAY. Because the Constitution protects the rights of the minority even when the majority doesn't like it. And for the record, the latest polls show that more than half the country supports marriage equality. The country is more "ready" for marriage equality than it was for interracial marriage.

"It will destroy traditional marriage." What tradition? Like being able to buy a wife for a goat and three cows? Being able to have a multiple wives and concubines? Like women being property (and being unalbe to own property)? Or husbands being able to legally rape their wives? Or maybe you didn't mean Biblical marriage. maybe you meant our more modern concepts of marriage. Like the races not being allowed to intermarry. Or like Brittany being able to get married and divorced in the space of a day. In fact, the danger to traditional marriage is not marriage equality  but divorce. And in states with marriage equality, divorce rates have GONE DOWN.

"I just think it is icky." Honestly, I think that is the bottom line. Some straight people don't get it. They think gays and lesbians have chosen something unnatural. But you know what? Homosexuality may be unnatural TO YOU, but heterosexuality is unnatural TO ME. You don't get to deny rights to people just because you don't like them. That is why we have a Constituion. We are not a theocracy. We are a republic. One where we are all entitled to be treated equally. One where our courts have already ruled that marriage is a fundamental right.

So no, I didn't miss it. I am certain my stomach will be in knots until June. When I hope that the Court will do the right thing. And even if they don't extend marriage equality to all 50 states, I pray they will extend the federal protections of marriage to all who are legally married. Like us.

Because that is the true defense of marriage.

Support in SC for Marriage Equality

I'll admit I was surprised, albeit pleasantly so, when support came out of South Carolina for marriage equality. Of course, of all of our politicians there, Rep. Jim Clyburn was certainly the most likely to do it. Still, I was pleased when he did.

So I wrote him a letter, thanking him. Because I wasn't sure how much appreciation he would get from my fellow Sandlappers.

And I got a response.

He wrote:

 

Thank you very much for your letter of appreciation regarding my support for marriage equality.  Like President Obama, my thinking on this issue has evolved over the years, and I was proud to announce my support.  I have fought for equal rights under the law since my days as a college student protesting segregation, and I am confident that we will continue to make progress toward achieving marriage equality for all Americans.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to write me. If I can ever be of any assistance to you or your family, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 
 

With kindest regards, I am,

 

Sincerely,

James E. Clyburn
Member of Congress