On Trailing

I am going to come out and say it.

I HATE the term "trailing spouse."

It is offensive.

The Foreign Service is one of the last bastions in many cases of what we think of as a 50s marriage. Dad works, mom stays home.

Two things.

That never really existed, and "Mom" didn't "stay home. She worked her a$$ off.

The Foreign Service though, can make it difficult for the non-employee spouse to have a regular career (unless you are a tandem couple). So the non-employee, male or female, must try to get embassy jobs or try to have a portable career. It is hard, sometimes impossible.

I joined so I wouldn't be a "trailing spouse." Gave up a career I loved to be with my wife. I don't regret it. I love my job and my life.

Plus

"Trailing Spouse" is the hardest job in the service.

The Huffington Post has a nice piece on trailing spouses and how hard it is for non-employee expats (not specifically about the Foreign Service).

So Much DOMA News!

It is like every time I look at Facebook, I see something else related to the demise of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act.

Much of it is good news. Just the other day, the IRS announced that it would recognize the place of celebration rather than the place of residence for filing income taxes. That means that even if my wife and I were still residents of Virginia, we could file our federal taxes as married.

But of course, we'd still have to file our state taxes separately. I predict some headaches where that is concerned.

Health and Human Services announced that all beneficiaries in private Medicare plans have access to equal coverage when it comes to care in a nursing home where their spouse lives. New Mexico counties willing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples are popping up like popcorn. Some in Pennsylvania too. The Secretary for Veterans Affairs announced that same-sex spouses would NOT be eligible for benefits, and a federal judge promptly issued an injunction. Even my beloved home state of South Carolina is getting sued to recognize a couple's legal marriage!

But it is not all good news.

The Texas National Guard is still refusing to extend benefits to married same-sex couples despite a Pentagon directive to do so.

And there are still challenges for some of us serving abroad. An article in the Washington Post talks about some of those challenges, such as dealing with antiquated Status of Forces agreements that don't recognize marriage equality. One married couple in Japan is unable to live together because they can't get a visa for the non-employee husband. And work-arounds have proven too cumbersome.

Even for those of us in the State Department, which has been the most forward-leaning of the federal agencies thanks in no small part to the efforts of former Secretary of State Clinton, sometimes have problems. Only about a quarter of the posts where we serve will give diplomatic visas to same-sex spouses of Foreign Service personnel. In the rest, we have to come up with work arounds of be separated for as long as three years. And how hard to push a country to recognize a relationship and give diplomatic status to a spouse can depend on everything from unrelated political issues to the willingness of the leadership at post to be helpful.

My wife and I have been lucky. We have had excellent Ambassadors who recognized our marriage. And even if we hadn't, because we are both officers, we come with our own diplomatic immunity. So we don't have to rely on a country's willingness to recognize our marriage in order to be together (we just have to be able to get tandem assignments...but that is a whole other issue that doesn't relate to our being a same-sex couple as much as to our being married employees...we share that headache with our straight tandem-couple colleagues!).

Did I mention it is bidding season....

Anyway, it seems like each day brings a new thing to be thankful for even if each week shows us there are still battles to be fought.

And they will be fought. And won.

I Didn't Forget You, 162nd!

Okay, actually, it briefly slipped my mind. I know, I'm slack.

I hope you'll forgive me...I have vacation/moving overseas brain.

Anyway, I wanted to welcome the 162nd A-100 class to the Foreign Service.

There are two bloggers that I know of in this class:

Short Term Memory, now featuring Tandem Issues!

And

DiplomaticDad

Let me know if I have missed anyone, and welcome to the Service!

ON EDIT: Wow! I missed at least TWO bloggers! Seriously, vacation brain. Look, bright thing in the sky!

So welcome as well to:

Cupcake Diplomacy

and

SubjectVerbObject

I have added both to the blogroll. Welcome y'all! (I'm in Savannah, and since Paula Deen throws in a y'all every other word - like no Southerner I've ever seen! - I thought I would too!).

At least we are moving in the right direction...

We got word yesterday that my wife's amended application for in country language training was approved.

Of course, it is still a separation. The amended application is for 22 weeks of study at FSI and 22 in Tallinn.

At least it is going in the right direction. Now it is only 22 weeks apart instead of a year.

While it is a step in the right direction, it still doesn't solve many of our problems.

Like having to be separated AGAIN for the service. We have already done three years apart for the service, and that gets old fast.

Like having to do two moves. Which is going to cost the Department a substantial amount of cash.

Like not getting to rent out our house until February instead of in August, which is going to cost us a substantial amount of cash.

Like having to spend my vacation time coming home to help my wife pack out instead of with the two of us travelling around Europe. And having to pay for plane tickets for her to come to see me at Christmas and me to come home when she is ready to return. Which is going to cost us a smaller, but still significant, amount of cash.

So I am not throwing in the towel. We still have other ideas. But at least we are working from a better starting point.

FSJ: Trailing Tandems

Clayton Bond, who is a great officer and just an all around great guy, has an article in this month's Foreign Service Journal on life as a Trailing Tandem.

In it, he discusses the difficulty he and his husband faced during their separated tour, and the decision he finally made to take leave without pay so they could be together. He, like me, values family over career, so his story is a particularly salient one for the issue on Work-Life balance.

The article is especially timely for me, given the situation my wife and I are dealing with (nope, still no answers....).

But it did give me some ideas! :)

Inside a U.S. Embassy

Inside a U.S. Embassy

If you are interested in joining the Foreign Service, this book, Inside a U.S. Embassy, is a must read for you.

The new edition has an added bonus. It has an article by Clayton Bond and his husband Ted Osius on a day in the life of a "non-traditional" Tandem Couple.

Though if you met them, you'd find that they, like me and my wife, are pretty darned traditional!

ON EDIT: One of my (and your, I assume) favorite bloggers, Donna from over at Email From The Embassy is also in there. So just one more reason you should get this book!

USAID tandems now include same-sex couples

As you know, back in June, the benefits announced by the Secretary included allowing same-sex couples where both partners were employees to be considered tandem couples. This means that, like heterosexual married couples where both partners are employees, the Department will make every effort to assign the employees together. It isn't a guarantee for either heterosexual or same-sex couples, but it does make bidding a little easier.

This is one change that affected me personally. The Department had treated my wife and me as an "unofficial tandem" since I joined State, but I notice the difference now that we are official. They are willing to do even more to keep us assigned together, which is both nice for us (because we would consider leaving the service if we couldn't be assigned together) and cost effective for the Department (because if they keep a tandem couple happy, that keeps them from having to spend the amount needed to recruit and train two people rather than just one). And our getting treated like a tandem is not dependent on whether the person making the decisions is open-minded or a dinorsaur.

In their newsletter today, USAID sent out a notice about their tandem couples. The notice makes clear that USAID has followed suit with State and now considers same-sex couples where both are employees to be tandem as well. This not only makes life easier for those couples, but for couples where one person is State and the other USAID as well.

Very welcome news.

USAID/General Notice
PERSONNEL OHR/FSP
01/04/2010


Subject: FS Assignments and Tandem Couples - OHR Registration

As the 2010 Foreign Service Assignment System moves forward, the
Office of Human Resources would like to highlight the process for the
assignment of tandem couples.

USAID ADS 436, Foreign Service Assignments, includes detailed guidance
on the assignment of couples, (which now includes both married and
same-sex partners) who are both members of the United States Foreign
Service. Of particular note is ADS 436.3.14 Tandem Assignments, which
all USAID tandem couples should review.

To register as a USAID tandem couple, please send an e-mail with the
following exact subject line: "Tandem Couple Registration" to:
Courtney Applegate cc: William Seabreeze, Cecilia Pitas, Skip
Kissinger, and Rene Reyes.

Please include for both members of the couple:

1) Name

2) Backstop (for USAID FS employees)

3) Employing organization of non-USAID members

If registering as a same-sex tandem couple, also include in the e-mail
a statement that you have completed the steps indicated at the OHR
website for declaring domestic partner relationships. Those steps
are:

1) Complete the affidavit of eligibility for benefits and
obligations. (The affidavit can be found at the OHR website at
Benefits - New/Changes to benefits, or as an attachment to Executive
Message dated August 4, 2009 entitled "Implementing Benefits for
Same-Sex Domestic Partners of Foreign Service Employees Serving
Overseas.")

2) Amend the Residency and Dependency Report (Form OF-126) to add
"domestic partner" in the box requesting "relationship."

3) Turn the forms into your Foreign Service Specialist.

OHR makes every effort to accommodate tandem couples when making
assignment decisions, however please note that a tandem couple
assignment is not guaranteed as a result of this tandem couple
registration.

Stories by Diplopundit: Tandem Couples

Diplopundit has another short piece of fiction called Tandem Couple. Being half of an "unofficial tandem," I found it particularly wrenching and am amazed at how well Diplopundit conveys such emotion in such a short space. You can read the piece here.